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Thursday, October 8, 2020

Holding Grudges - forgive me.

Excuse me...Eric?  

Yes

"You are Eric Shoen, right?"

"Yes, that's me." 

"I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable cutting your hair today." 

"Is it because I came from out of state?"  

"No.  You made me very uncomfortable last time I saw you and I don't feel like being uncomfortable cutting your hair.  You'll have to find another place."  

"I'm so sorry.  I hope that you find healing for that wound.  Thanks."  

This happened to me today.  I know I must have said or done something years ago that hurt this man.  Here's the thing.  I haven't lived here in 10 years.  In fact, I don't think I've seen this person for at least 15 years.  I'll be darned if I can remember it.  

I've said and done some mean and stupid things in my life.  I've done that to people that didn't deserve it.  I  think I remember every time I did that and realized it.  The words or actions would keep me up at night.  I'd be sick to my stomach and replay the scene over and over in my head to try to make sure I didn't do it again.  In fact, I still get sick to my stomach when I think about some of those things in my past.  In most cases, I apologized as soon as it was out of my mouth and I realized how bad it was.  In others, it took me a few days to apologize.  Sometimes, I've apologized over and over for years for saying or doing something that hurt someone else.  In a very few cases, I've decided it was best to say nothing because I was either too uncomfortable or thought even bringing it up would cause more harm to the person I had hurt.  

My friends and I joke that I don't have any filters.  I just say things.  

My mom thinks that I just say things that other people are afraid to say, but are reality.  She lives by this philosophy with us kids which has caused more than one hang up phone call.  

I have people that have done things to me.  For most of them, I've forgiven them.  I'll never forget what they did to me, but have moved on.  

Most people in my life have confronted me when I've done something wrong, or at least I realized it.  At least I hope that's the case.  

For this person to have held onto this feeling for 15-20 years without telling me, or forgiving me, makes me wonder how he lives his life.  

For anyone else out there reading this who I may have upset, insulted, or hurt in some way, forgive me.  You can try to confront me about it, but I'm not sure now is the best time.  Still, feel free.  


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