The aftermath

In the aftermath of seeing a shooting in the Bronx, I still can't quite get it out of my mind.

To recap, David and I left a party on Saturday night and witnessed a point blank shooting just across the street from us in the Bronx.  We ran away as fast as we could and drove home.

First, I keep checking online to see if I can find out more about whether or not the kid who was shot made it or not.  I can't find anything on the news. There were 14 other shootings around the city Saturday night and early Sunday morning, but no mention of this one.  It bothers me that I can't find out.

Second, I keep thinking that I was a coward for running away.  I am feeling ashamed that I didn't stay to help, to stop the bleeding, to wait for an ambulance to arrive, to reach out.  Instead, I ran.  I was scared.  I wanted to get David, his friends, and me as far away from there as fast as possible.  I don't know if I could have helped, but do know that I can usually remain calm in a panicked situation.  Would you have stayed to help?  To pray with or for the person?  To stop the bleeding and see what you could do?  We were scared that a gunfight was going to break out.  By the time we left, there were dozens of people standing around the body of the young man who was shot.

Third, I wonder if I need to get out of Brooklyn sooner than my initial five year plan.  I wanted to stay here five years to build the organization I am in.  I wanted to stay long enough to know I succeeded.  Now, I just want to get out of New York City all together.  This place is crazier, more dangerous, congested, louder, smellier, more unfriendly, expensive, and more difficult than any place I've ever lived.  I used to say that NYC was fun to visit, but I never wanted to live here.  That is still true for me.  There are amazing things here, but I think I'd much rather live in a smaller city and just visit.  I haven't given up yet.  I just miss the niceties of smaller cities.  There is a reason for me to be here for now.  I have faith that I will be moved to something different when the time is right.

This, like so much of New York City, is a daily dilemma.  You are surrounded by hatred, poverty, homelessness, mental illness, violence, and crowds of people that all need help.  The amount of help needed is overwhelming.  I remember when I resented how much money New York City got from the state when so many upstate cities needed help.  Now I wonder where all of that money is going.  How do you decide who to help and how?  Or do you decide to ignore it all and just donate to charities that are helping?  Do you do neither and just try to live your life without getting hurt?  Do you do it all and just keep giving until you have no more to give?

I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of it today.  There has to be an answer somewhere that is working for people.

He shot him!

Words can't express the feeling that I have in my heart right now.  I'm grateful to be alive.  I'm thankful that my friends are ok.  I appreciate the fact that I live in Kennsington Brooklyn.  I rejoice that David didn't take an apartment in the Bronx early in our dating life.

Tonight, David and I went to a friends apartment to celebrate his 48th Birthday.  It was a lovely fete with huge trays of Nigerian food (joloff rice, egosi soup, pounded yams) and flowing liquor.  The music was loud and people were dancing and laughing.  We were happy for our friend who was having a good time.  We also got to see a bunch of friends who came to our wedding and whom we enjoy.

As we left the party to walk to our car (I drove because it's a very long subway ride on the weekends), we had to walk out of the complex, cross a bridge, and then get to our car.  I was walking fast in front.  I was eager to get home to my bed.  David and two friends who were catching a ride with us were talking, laughing, and walking behind me.  They had all had a few drinks, but I had not given that I was driving.

As we left the complex and started on the bridge, we heard tires squealing and then firecrackers going off.  I looked over to see a guy looking like he had just set them off and was going to run away.  There was a mess of stuff on the ground around him.  Then people started screaming.  David and his friends ran.  Someone yelled, "get down" and I dropped as fast as I could.  I then crab crawled backwards and started running as soon as I rounded the building.

David and his friends saw the shooting happen.  They saw the flash and the young man fall.  I was oblivious.  Fortunately, none of us was hurt.  We then ran back to our car and got the heck out of there.  I'm still in shock.  We all are.  The drive home was an hour and I still am shaken.  A young man was shot within 20 feet of me.  There were hundreds of people around including kids in strollers.  Any one of us could have been caught by a stray bullet or in crossfire.  I am fortunate that all I have is a bloody scraped knee from the mess.

I don't know if I'll be going to any more anythings in the Bronx any time soon.  Life is short.  I'm glad mine wasn't shortened tonight.

Relishing the last few days of summer

Today was my first 9-5 day back at the office.  We were fortunate to have summer hours in the office which meant getting out at 4 on weekdays and 3 on Fridays.  Wow does that give you more time to enjoy summer.  I'm already an early morning person, so getting up wasn't an issue.

I knew today was coming.  Mondays are tough to begin with.  Then add on to your Monday that you have to stay an hour longer than normal (I still usually get there at 8:00 a.m.).  Initially I was going to title this "Lamenting the end of summer," but I am on a positive energy kick lately.  I'm going to relish every part of this.  I'm glad that the heat has abated a little.  In spite of the broken AC unit at work, I still managed to keep cool with the windows open and a fan.

This past weekend, I ran errands all day on Saturday.  Sunday, David and our friend Aka spent the day at the beach with me.

We tried Coney Island Beach for the first time. We went there because it was advertised as part of Gay Black NYC Pride.  The event was a bust, but we sure did have a lot of fun just laying on the beach listening to the ocean waves and feeling the breeze blow through our shade canopy.  It wasn't until later in the day when the wind picked up that we had to take the canopy down or have the wind do it for us.  That happened just after a bird pooped right on the canopy and it's poop came through the mesh onto our friend Aka.  We told him we heard it was good luck somewhere.  Oh well, shit happens.  We did enjoy it.  We left just before the rain started.

These next four months are my favorite months in NYC.  The weather cools, but isn't too cold.  People are back from their summers away and want to grab dinners and drinks.  The summer feeling lasts for another month or so.  Then we are fortunate enough to get Autumn which is my favorite season of the year.  I've already got a list of recipes that I want to cook now that the kitchen is cooler.
Join me in relishing the good things we have now and coming up in the weeks ahead.  Let's not lament anything.  Relish with me.

Adversity either splits you up or helps you grow

This past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Between my husband being outed to his family and friends in Nigeria and me writing a response that went viral (man it really is crazy to see what goes viral), the community and family support has been amazing.  There are thousands of people who messaged us, found us on our blogs or instagram, or saw us on the street to tell us that God loves us and that we should ignore the haters.  The few haters said and did some hurtful things to me, but mostly to David.  As much as we wanted to ignore them, we saved every message to show to the immigration courts.

David and I also both started back at work, which in itself can be stressful.  The air conditioning in my office hasn't worked well since I started the job, but was totally busted this week.  School has started again, so our foot and email traffic has increased significantly.  Add to that interview requests about our story from CNN, the BBC, a PBS Station, and a few other lesser known media, and you have a super busy everything.

To top that off, David's wedding bring broke, we both got a flu bug that knocked us for a loop (and made me wonder if someone made a voodoo doll of us), and we are still trying to unpack and organize after the wedding.  Combine that with a traffic ticket, some unexpected bills, some returned immigration paperwork because we read the directions wrong, and this ungodly heat that may finally have broken in Brooklyn.

None of this alone really accounts for much adversity.  All of it together has added stress on to both of us that could very easily have broken us.  I thought it might.  When my house is a mess, I feel like my life is a mess.  When I can no longer respond to messages in a timely fashion, I feel unprofessional.  When I miss work because I am sick, I feel like I'm letting people down.  Messing up on paperwork and with traffic laws also doesn't make me feel very good about myself.

But now, I have David.  He is just taking this all in, helping me absorb it and figure out solutions.  David is reminding me to smile, to laugh, to eat (he made a scrumptious African stew for dinner the other night), to dress in nice clothes (dressing up makes me feel better), and to get exercise.  When all if this shit is happening to David and he should be the one stressed, he instead is helping me deal with it.  All of this bad stuff (and I'm probably missing half of what I feel like has happened to us over the past three weeks) has only made our love grow stronger and our communication better.

I feel like I got more than a husband when I married this amazing man.  I feel like I found someone to help me live my life to the fullest, to pull me up when I'm down, and to live the adventure that is life together.  Thanks, God.

Compiling resources for Asylum seekers and advoacy

Many of my friends and family have asked what they could do to help David, or his family in our time of crisis.  I'm trying to compile a list of resources and solutions for them and you to review.

Here is how you can help:
1.) Remember to always respond in love.  The three major religions of the world, Judaism, Islam, and Christianity all teach love and forgiveness firts.

2.) Understand that throughout the world, and even in parts of the United States, it isn't safe to be gay without facing hostility whether it be physical, verbal, or emotional abuse here in the USA to decapitation, hanging, or other forms of punishment for being gay.  Support any gay person who just needs to be themselves.  Love them.

3.) If you get a chance to support someone who has escaped this persecution, do it.  Write letters of support for asylum cases, offer resources to nonprofits helping refugees (gay and straight), and encourage your house and senate representatives at the federal level to pressure other governments to change their laws or face consequences.

David was an HIV/Aids social worker in Nigeria reaching out to anyone who needed help.  Much of his work meant that he was working with closeted gay men to make sure they were getting medicine and using condoms.  Because of this work, he was a target of the Nigerian government and faced harassment and jail time simply for trying to help gay men, even though he was not out at the time.

Fortunately, David was then supported to come and live here, seek asylum, and no longer face the jail time, harassment, and death threats just for helping gay men.  When he got here, he was able to come out.

We are beyond grateful for Housing Works for creating, funding, and managing this project.  It has not been cheap, easy, or always working well, but it means that David is safe.  I get the added bonus that I got to meet the man of my dreams and marry him.

If you can support any organization right now, Housing Works seems to be doing the most work to help those people seeking asylum.  They can currently only help 12 people each year.  That is not even a tiny fraction of the people needing to escape from Nigeria alone.  Your support of them can and will help.

As I come upon more resources, I will share them.  Thanks and blessings upon you all.

Being Black in small town America

It pissed me off.  I won't mince my words.  If David had been hurt at all, I think I probably would have gone ape-shit crazy on those girls.


It's a Saturday night in Waddington, New York which is a tiny little town.  David and I were finishing our honeymoon staying near my parent's house.  We had gone to see the parade with my high school friends and then out for a drink.  David got cold (I'm used to the cold since I grew up there) and was walking briskly ahead of me and the three girls down the street toward our car so he could get a sweatshirt.

As we strolled down the street chatting, I wasn't worried about him.  That was until I heard a number of high pitched screams as if someone was being attacked.  I looked away from my conversation with my dear friend Alison to see three young girls who screamed like that just because they saw David walking quickly on the side walk in their direction.  He was playing on his phone and not even looking up.  How can a man of his stature who is playing on his phone even seem like a threat, let alone one that warrants screaming as if you are BEING attacked.

If Alison had not stopped me, I would've given these three drunk teenage/early 20's girls a swift talking to.  Damn small town, close minded, racist people.

David never mentioned it.  I don't even know if he knew we heard and saw.  He was so focused on running to the car to get a sweatshirt that he let it go.  I didn't let it go.  It still steams me.

How can this be right?  Why would someone not teach these girls?  I still wish I had said something:

1.) Not all black men are out to get you
2.) Not all black men will attack you
3.) Many black men would care less to even cross paths with you
4.) To scream in a black man's face is almost as bad as calling him a racial epithet.  Learn some manners.

Also, screaming when you see something frightening could have brought the police or other people who would harm David just because you happened to be scared of the color of his skin.  Then he would have been hurt because of your fear, not because of anything he did.  Scream when someone actually threatens or hurts you.  Learn to not be so damn drunk (probably under age).  Grow up.

Thank God my husband wasn't hurt, or I don't know if I could ever forgive you.

Wedding Recovery 101

David and I are exhausted.  In typical Eric fashion I wanted to squeeze way to many things in that short week of our honeymoon.  Between the stress of the wedding, the added stress of David's public outing to his family, and the smart/dumb idea we had to get a new-to-us car while on our honeymoon, we had more stress and less sleep that we needed. We drove back to Brooklyn from the northern reaches of New York as early as we could on Sunday.  It was a beautiful drive until we approached NYC.  Then, our gps bounced back and forth between the Lincoln Tunnel and the GW Bridge over and over.  It decided the GW was the "fastest" in the end.  By the time we got on the bridge, we had been waiting for over an hour to move the 100 or so feet.

We arrived home to an empty apartment and a car full of boxes and suitcases.  David had an amazing amount of energy (it probably helps that he slept most of the car ride) and we got them all into the apartment.

Now I feel like I'm in the Box trolls movie.

Just tonight, I finally was able to sort through the biggest boxes.  We didn't ask for many big things for our wedding.  We knew that our little apartment here didn't have much space.  Still, we ended up with lots of wonderful things.  Now we need to figure out where to put them, and fast.  I have a bbq on Sunday and it is probably going to rain.  That mean's I'll need my apartment in order.

We didn't get a gas grill, but Amazon gives you a 10% discount on anything on your registry after the wedding.  I wanted/needed one for the weekend bbq.  

We got some awesome new dishes, but have to pack up the old ones to sell or donate.  

David and I finished all of the thank you notes last night.  It was a monumental yet rewarding task. Thank God he is so patient and loving when I can be cranky.  His love will sustain me through the hardest of times.  

Now, we just need to figure out the Tetris puzzle that is our Brooklyn apartment. I'm sure that every married couple has to deal with the unpacking and figuring this all out.  I didn't realize how exhausting the whole thing was going to be.  David and I talked about a sunny beach honeymoon.  I said I wanted an active adventure honeymoon instead.  Maybe he was right.

Apparently it is time to start planning for that vacation too, as soon as I get rid of all of these boxes.