The Adventure of my First Married Christmas

A custom christmas ornament from my twin brother, John that says "Our 1st Married Christmas 2016"

During our wedding on July 30, 2016, David and I promised each other that we would seek out adventure and make sure that we didn't live dull lives.  We would thrive on new exciting experiences. We didn't realize that one of them would be on Christmas morning.

We decided to stay in NYC.  We both had a lot of work to do and we have been trying to be more frugal in our spending.  Christmas Eve, David worked (or so I thought) until almost 9:00 p.m.  What I didn't realize was that he was also getting the last of my Christmas gifts.  I'm the kind of shopper that has all of my shopping done a month in advance and has done most of it online.  He is a bit more last minute.

David came home and we got ready and went to Middle Collegiate Church for the service.  It was really beautiful and the perfect way to get us in the right mood.  Our friend Jeremy was there playing the organ and piano and had done some wonderful gospel arrangements.  After the service, we stopped into a pub to grab a drink.  Then we came home and crashed.

Christmas morning, I was up at my usual 7:00 a.m. and spent some time reading some books that I got for my birthday and waiting for David to wake up.  He had been working many late nights and I knew he needed some sleep.

When he first woke up, we decided to google video chat with my mom so we could open the gifts from her that we put under our tree. It was so much fun to chat with her.  Her video chat had not been working, but it worked Christmas morning.  We closed all of the shades to make sure that we didn't have a glare.  Mom got us matching pajamas (our first pair ever).  She got David some American flag cufflinks and me a pair of golden snitch ones.  She also got each of us some other clothes and things. David's big gift from her was a deep fryer.  She got me books on investing and other things I had asked for.  We spent more than an hour talking to her.

Then David and I sat down to open gifts from each other.  I got him a cashmere coat and a piece of art that he had admired as his two big gifts.

David also was cold a lot in the winter, so I found this onesie.  I think it was one of his favorite gifts.  He wore it every day for a week when he came home from work.  I think he's cute as a button in it.  

David really went above and beyond my expectations.  He got me the most beautiful watch, a nice backpack, a camera lens, and a comfortable and fashionable scarf.

We were feeling very blessed and enjoying each other.  We had tried on all of our clothes from our families and each other and started to put them away.  We opened up the waffle maker that my twin brother gave me for my birthday and made some waffles.  We lit the candles in all of our candle holders and put netflix on the fireplace channel.  It was really fun.  Our waffles were great.  Then we retreated to our bedroom to work on my laptop which was under the bed to putting together our wedding album.  The photos had arrived three days before and there was a coupon that we wanted to use.  We spent about an hour putting together the album when David smelled smoke.  We walked around the bedroom and couldn't find the source.  

When I opened the bedroom door, a plume of smoke invaded the bedroom.  I ran out into the living room and the entire coffee table was engulfed in flames.  I yelled at David to grab water.  He did and then I went to do the same.  At about that time, someone started banging on our door and buzzing our buzzer.  David managed to get the fire out, but the apartment was full of smoke and we couldn't see.  Neither of us had put pants back on after trying on our clothes.  I rummaged in the smoke and put on backwards the one pair of sweatpants with the broken string.  I managed to get to the door and open it, and there were a dozen neighbors there yelling at me.  One handed me a fire extinguisher.  I stood holding up my broken pants and just wanted to work on getting the smoke out.  One concerned neighbor kept yelling and asking if David was ok.  I said yes, but she wouldn't have it.  I yelled at him to find some pants and come show them he was ok.

We then rushed around opening windows and trying to air out the smoke with fans.  It was cold, but not unbearable.  

When we finally got some of the smoke to clear, we noticed that the one candle we forgot to extinguish was on our coffee table in a centerpiece that my mom had made us.  We were fortunate.  We only lost our three remotes, a candle lighter, and had minor damage to our carpet and coffee table.

Our wedding photo thumb drive, some DVDs, magazines, and other things were all on the same table, but were not ruined.  The ball of flames was only the center piece and the remotes burning.  All of our Christmas gifts including the big gift from each of us to each other were on the sofa next to the table.  We were not hurt.  No one was hurt.  We didn't lose much.  The smell, after much cleaning and airing out, and some febreeze dissipated after two weeks.  We got new remotes, and I sanded the spot in the coffee table.  It is now even more distressed and charming than before.

We now know that it is no joke to leave a candle unattended.  We never intended to do so, but are more diligent.  I also purchased a new smoke detector that is very good and doesn't go off every time I cook.  That had happened that morning and I had taken the battery out again.  Modern smoke detectors seem to be smarter.

I feel like we will continue to be blessed with adventures.  I'm hopeful that more of our adventures will be planned in advance (like my Christmas shopping), but all of them will result in blessings and not losses.

How to do customer service right....my move to online shopping

Since moving to Brooklyn, my online shopping has increased significantly.  I thought I did a lot of online shopping when I lived on adorable Goodyear Lake just outside Oneonta, New York.

                                   The View from my little cottage on the lake in Autumn.

Little did I know that the crowds in Brooklyn stores were outrageously long.  On top of that, the clerks and staff are very rude, the stores are disorganized messes, and the prices seem to be higher.

My friend Sandra posted on Facebook that she had fallen in love with a pair of shoes.  She jokingly said she wanted them for her Birthday.  She was kind enough to play cello at our wedding as a gift to us.  She is a very talented cellist.  The music was so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes.  We've been wanting to send her a thank you that was better than the small gift card we gave her at the wedding.  This was the perfect opportunity.  I found the website and ordered her the cutest little peacock shoes.  Zebidah.com - I'd never heard of them.  I don't even know how Sandra found them. There was no option that I could find to send a card or gift wrap, so I emailed the general email.

Dearest Customer service people,

This is a special birthday gift for a friend.  I didn't see the option, but if you can, would you please put a note in that says Happy Birthday from Eric and David?  It can even be written on a scrap of paper.  

If not, I understand.  I just thought it was worth a try.  

Thanks,

Eric

Within a few minutes, I got an awesome reply. 

Sure!
We got you.
Please see attached.

Is it good?

Thank you so much!Yash SareenCustomer Support

All I could do was smile.  Now that is a great response.  They got a real card and put it in the mailing without even charging me extra.  If I ever need to buy women's shoes again, I think I'll look here first.  They are top notch.  

Sandra got the shoes and loved them. This too made us smile. It was a fun way to surprise someone who has been so special to us.  

I didn't have to wait in line.  I had no rude people to deal with.  I found the perfect product, and I got to give some love along with it. 

Thank you to Yash for making this gift delivery extra special.

Coming out to my Grandmother

My grandmother on my father's side worked very hard for her entire life.  She worked multiple jobs to make sure that her 8 children had food, clothes, and opportunities.  My grandfather also worked multiple jobs including working many years at Alcoa.  They were married for 56 years before he passed away over a decade ago from complications from Alzheimers. 

If you are a regular reader, you know that I got married this past summer.  It was a small wedding and we were trying to keep things low key.  That didn't work, so we went full public with our response. I purposely didn't invite extended family to my wedding.  My siblings were the blood relatives that attended along with one cousin and one aunt who I count among my closest and most supportive family.

Although I have not hidden my sexuality, at the request of my family, I've been very evasive when I visit my small home town.  Until I met my husband, David, I never brought anyone home for any family event, homecoming, or holiday.  In fact, I was the only "single" family member and frequently got the sofa in my family's small home at the holidays.  

At Thanksgiving, I received a box of Christmas ornaments and decorations from my grandmother.  She is downsizing and doesn't want them thrown away.  Included with them are things that I gave to her or my grandfather over the years.  

Along with the box came a lovely note from my grandmother.  I've never officially come out to her.  Although I have aunts who have had "special friends" for many years, I wasn't sure how to tell her myself.  I know through stories in my family that she was aware that I was gay, but we just avoided the topic.  I was evasive when we visited and used gender neutral pronouns when speaking about my dating life.  

In the note at Thanksgiving, she mentioned that although she doesn't have a computer, use the internet, or check out "the Facebook," my aunt Debbie told her about my wedding.  Gram mentioned that she missed hearing from me.  To be frank, I hadn't written to her since meeting David other than a Christmas card the year before.  Prior to meeting him, I would try to write once every month or so.  

David has become such an important part of my life that I couldn't figure out what to write without including him in any note to her.  

After reading her note, I decided that it was time to bite the bullet and just tell her.  No more hiding.  I sent her our Christmas Card with a note inserted.  

The gist of the letter went something like this:

Dear Gram,

I apologize for not writing sooner.  Things are going well for me in Brooklyn.  Yes I did get married this summer.  I kept the wedding very small and only invited close friends, mom and dad, and my siblings.  I wasn't sure how you felt about me being gay or gay marriage.  I know that it isn't the most comfortable thing for mom, dad, or our family.  I married a Nigerian man in Rochester.  I've decided that regardless of what other people think, I need to live my life for me, and not them.  David is a social worker and he models part time.  I've taken up photography outside of work and frequently go with him to shows.  I'll try to be better about writing more often.  I sent your Christmas gift directly from the company and you should get it soon.  

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Love,

Eric

I also included my new last name.  I put a stamp on the letter and was shaking when I dropped it in the mail.  How was she going to react?  What would mom and dad say when they found out I told her.  I know they are both still learning to accept who I am.  

Well, Gram didn't disappoint.  I got a letter back from her shortly after.  

Dear Eric and Friend,

First I received your two packages on Friday, December 9th.  I haven't opened them as I don't open my gifts until Christmas.  Thanks very much.  I hear from you more often than I hear from my grand children close by.  Anthony calls about every two weeks and came to see me when he was up in October for a wedding.  

As I don't have a computer, don't do email, facebook, etc. I heard about your wedding from Aunt Debbie who saw it on Facebook.  Your mom hasn't mentioned it.  One day when your dad came alone we had a little visit.  He seems to take everything in stride and doesn't get too concerned with things that he can't change.  

So many things have changed in my lifetime of 85 years and can't imagine the ones to come.  Grandpa and I were married 56 years when he passed away 11 years ago.  God created us all different and some things are harder to accept.  

Things here are fine and I count my blessings and am thankful for my family and friends each day.  

I'm still playing cards Monday, shuffle board on Tuesday, and of course the dance twice a month.  I went on a bus trip to St. Catherine's Ontario to see an Irish singer.  Yesterday I went to Morrisburg to see a play with 45 on a bus.  

It's snowing here 3" so far so I moved my car about 8:00 a.m.

With love, Happiness, and Prayers,
Gram

p.s. - Thanks again. 

I'm not sure how I can describe in words how that made me feel.  I'd like to say that relieved was the first emotion that came over me.  I also teared up a little.  I know that my life isn't easy for some people to understand, especially people who grew up in small towns far from cities that are not very diverse or accepting of people who may be different.  Just seeing a letter addressed to "Dear Eric and Friend" brought tears to my eyes and a little belly laugh.  My dear aunt who passed had a "friend" for many years who she lived with.  We love that "friend" who is still an important part of our family.  

I'm also glad that now when I go to visit my parents, I don't have to leave David somewhere or make him hide when Grandma visits.  Our family photos that include him can be sent to her too.  All of this has been causing me stomach aches since I met him.  My siblings, too, have not been sure what to do. We always take a family photo and send a copy to Gram. 

I hate to lie.  I hate to hide.  Now it can all be in the open.  

So that was my Christmas gift from my grandmother. I hope that you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I'm off to Christmas Eve Service. 

Lessons from Ice Skating

David has been asking me to take him ice skating for over a year.  We were unable to make it work with our schedules last winter.  Since that time, we moved to a different neighborhood.  Our apartment is now much closer to prospect park.

Friday night, we went to the skating rink in the park to ice skate. Let me tell you, David is very athletic.  Every time we have been out to try some new athletic activity, he picks it up so fast.  Coming from my background, this is hilarious and impressive.  It took me years to figure out how to bowl without gutter balls over and over (his first time involve three strikes in a row and two games well over 150).  

When I was a kid, my whole family ice skated.  We spent time cleaning off the pond to skate and even flooded our front yard to make a skating rink.  My dad and brother played ice hokey almost every weekend with our neighbors.  Dad played well into his 50s on an international ice hockey league.  

We had a 4H skating party at our house one winter.  Mom always was amazing with her hot chocolate skills (warmed milk in a pot on the stove with nestle quick and some cool whip).  My twin brother and I were a bit slower learning how to ice skate than our siblings and parents.  My first pair of skates was an old pair of mom's figure skates.  I learned how to stop using my toe, instead of a snow plow stop like a hockey player.  It took me years to be able to skate without falling over and over again.  

David was different.  He managed to only fall once, and that was because he was trying to take his hat and gloves off while continuing to skate. 

I managed to not fall at all and even managed to skate backwards a few inches at a time (one of the things I'm working on).  

As I watched him, and we laughed, memories of my childhood came flooding back.  I would spend hours with my brothers and sister trying to skate.  We had to wait until dad said it was ok to go onto the ice.  If my memory serves me, he used to test the ice by heaving a huge block of wood onto it first to see if it would break.  Then he would go out tentatively on it to test it.  We had a pond across the road from our house that was most often used.  I do remember on time when all of the neighbors came and we all skated up and down the swamp corridor that was overflow from Brandy brook.  We used our snow boots as goal posts and always had a fire going off the ice to warm up if we needed to. 

David's skating reminded me of a few things.  

1.) You can't be afraid to fall.  Falling is one of the only ways to learn how to skate.  Even the best skaters fall.
2.) It's ok to hold on to the railing as you figure things out.  We all need a little bit of support now and again.
3.) Sometimes you need to be left alone to figure things out (David was much more likely to try things when I wasn't next to him).  
4.) Even the most experienced skaters have room to grow and learn.  I'm definitely not experienced, but I know I can skate in circles and almost not fall most of the time.  I'm learning to stop and to skate backwards while David is just learning to stay up.
5.) It's ok to start slow.
6.) You have to take some risks if you are going to figure things out.
7.) If you dress warmly enough, only your face will get cold.
8.) Skating uses muscles that we don't use daily. 
9.) It's really awesome to get out during the winter and have some fun.  It makes winter easier to bear.  I was reminded of this when I heard an NPR interview about Hygge.  Hygge (pronounced hue-gah) is a Danish word that is a feeling or mood that comes taking genuine pleasure in making ordinary, every day moments more meaningful, beautiful or special. When winter doldrums get you down, you have to find something to pick your spirits up.  

I hope you all find some joy in the coming winter months.  Learn something new, try a new sport, try an old thing with friends who haven't done it before.  Laugh, get some sun, re-live old memories.  If you want company, call or email us.  We love adventures. 

Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them

Tonight, after work, I saw Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them.  I don't know if this post will be full of spoilers or not, so be warned.

I'm a Harry Potter Fan, a bit one.  In fact, I've dressed like him for Halloween.  I have read the entire series of books in both Spanish and English.

I was struck by a thought.  The movie is set in New York City.  I've now lived here twice for a total of three years.  The thing about this city is that strange shit happens here almost every moment of every day.  People dressed in costume, performers, odd rumbles, noises, music, and flash mobs.  What I realized was that if a bunch of crazy ass creatures were released in NYC, said creatures destroyed or killed anyone or any property, I doubt New Yorkers would even be phased.

Why do I bring this up?  I'm still new/fresh enough that anything odd that happens still surprises me and I notice.  Even people honking their horn at me more than a thousand times and I still don't block it out.

I loved the film.  I really did love it.  That part just seemed unrealistic when it was supposed to be the only realistic thing in the movie.  I guess I'll have to work on my suspension of reality or just get used to all the crazy stuff that happens here.

Converting to Islam

I have read so many reactions to this election from people like me.  We are scared, we are worried, we are upset, and we are uncertain about our future.  For so many reasons that I won't go into (if you are a close friend, you already know them), the results of this election are going to affect me personally.

Since the beginning of this election, I've been trying to educate my new husband about our political system.  He is a refugee here from Nigeria.  Unfortunately, his only experience with the Republican Party is this election and the retoric of Trump.  This has made it tough to let him know that some of our dearest friends and family members are Republicans (some for and some against Trump). Talking about the election to him, though, has made me especially aware of what both sides are saying around gay marriage, immigration, and refugees.

As a gay man, married to a refugee from another country, I am feeling the fear first hand.  I fear for me, for my husband, and for many of our friends and family.  I'm also particularly disgusted with the religious intolerance that Trump is spewing.

I want to make sure that my friends and family know that Islam is not the enemy.  I hope that you read this with an open mind and heart.  Jesus Christ, himself, reached out to people of all faiths, races, and backgrounds when spreading his message.  The message from God, through Jesus, is to love our neighbor as ourselves.  

I encourage you to find someone who is muslim to talk to about what they really believe.  I have and we have so much in common in our faith.  Jews, Christian's, and Muslims all believe in what was taught in the old testament.  Muslims and Christians also believe much of what was taught in the New Testament.  Muslims have an additional prophet that continued to teach them beyond what we learned in church.  The messages of the Koran, though, are not of hate and intolerance.  

The extreme muslims are no different than the KKK who consider themselves "true Christians."  The extremists don't represent all muslims any more than the KKK represents all christians.  

President-elect Trump is continuing to insist that all Muslims register in the USA.  

With that said, I feel that I need to start self-identifying as muslim until all our muslim brothers and sisters are safe.  I will not stand idly by as Trump/Hitler makes all muslims register as Jews registered years ago and were exterminated.  It is not what Jesus would want, or anyone, in my mind, who follows his teachings.  

The five pillars of islam are easy to read and learn.  

The Five Pillars consist of:

• Shahadah: sincerely reciting the Muslim profession of faith.
• Salat: performing ritual prayers in the proper way five times each day.
• Zakat: paying an alms (or charity) tax to benefit the poor and the needy.
• Sawm: fasting during the month of Ramadan.
• Hajj: pilgrimage to Mecca.

The muslim's believe in Jesus, who is my rock and my redeemer.  Although the belief is slightly different than mine, it is not that far from what I believe.  I've been fortunate to meet so many intelligent, loving, caring muslims.  I could see myself worshiping with them.  We all believe in the same God. In fact, my church regularly welcomes islamic scholars to preach along with our minister and local rabbis.  I could still go there and call myself a muslim.  If this type of radical thought is what it takes to protect them, I'm there.  

When that registry starts (I pray it never happens), I hope that all people of faith will join me in declaring that we are muslim.  

Renaissance Man or Court Jester?

This isn't a list of "everything Eric is doing and needs to be congratulated for."  This is a challenge.  You see, I've always wondered if I might be more successful, make more money, and do better at things if I stuck with them longer.  I'm struggling with this dilemma because I, of course, want to succeed.  Should success, though, be my ultimate goal?  What about constantly trying new things, keeping my brain active, dipping my toes into things that I may hate or end up loving?  

I've read Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers among dozens of other books (yeah I like to read like some people like to drink).  I've studied some of the most successful people in the world.  I've met people who have made millions of dollars or seem to have found their calling.  The world seems to push most people, or maybe encourage is a better word, to focus on finding one passion.  The people who are the most successful at something have focused on that for all of their waking hours.  

I've tried that....and I HATE IT.  

I spent time when I was a fundraising consultant using all of my waking hours to do fundraising work or fundraising volunteering.  I'm good at it.  I'm proud of the work I do in it.  BUT, I felt very unfulfilled when I had to focus on that and that only.

Not one to sit still, I find that I sometimes take on a lot of different projects, arts and crafts, goals, training, adventure, etc.  This isn't something new.  In high school I was involved with everything from the FFA to the Speech and Debate Team, the Yearbook staff, the choir, band, the musical, and was the Class President. 

At Hartwick College I was a tour guide, a Resident Advisor, involved in theater, Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia (men's national music fraternity), international club, and a bunch of other clubs and organizations while trying to keep my grades up at a high level.  Even with all of that stuff going on, I sought out new adventures.  My best friend Karyn was usually right next to me.  We went skydiving our junior year.

Fast forward almost 20 years and I still seem to get bored with what I'm working on.  I have to keep it fresh and real.  This year, I've been on some obstacle course races (Spartan with my awesome friend Greg who is also a fraternity brother).  

I've recently picked up fashion photography, although I've always loved photography and learning new aspects of it.  Part of my fashion work has been helping my husband prepare for casting calls and managing his Instagram, his portfolio, ad his schedule. 

Because this hasn't been enough to occupy my brain (not that I have enough time to do more), I decided to sell pampered chef products and do shows.  This has been amazing and fun and challenging all at the same time.  

Never mind the fact that I have a full time job that requires a lot of energy and concentration.  

I'm proud of all that I have done.  I'm not giving up on anything.  The arts and crafts box, the sewing machine, the guitar, the sign language book, the graphic design class, the movie script, the half written book, the investing guide, and the dozens of other projects I have started are not going away.  I will pick each one up in its own time and work on it some more.  I may find the one that becomes my lifetime hobby. 

In the mean time, I guess I'd rather be well-rounded and have tried everything instead of being the guy amazing at just one thing that I focus my life on.  I'm going to make costumes, raise money for charities in and out of work, sing with my fraternity and church choir, and photograph more people. 

I'm also going to keep writing here.  I may be sporadic at times when other projects are higher on my "keep your brain occupied" list, but know that when I come back I'm ready to share something that I hope is at least enjoyable to read if not helpful.  

Here's to fighting stereotypes and being normal.  I'm going to be me dammit.  :)