Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them

Tonight, after work, I saw Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them.  I don't know if this post will be full of spoilers or not, so be warned.

I'm a Harry Potter Fan, a bit one.  In fact, I've dressed like him for Halloween.  I have read the entire series of books in both Spanish and English.

I was struck by a thought.  The movie is set in New York City.  I've now lived here twice for a total of three years.  The thing about this city is that strange shit happens here almost every moment of every day.  People dressed in costume, performers, odd rumbles, noises, music, and flash mobs.  What I realized was that if a bunch of crazy ass creatures were released in NYC, said creatures destroyed or killed anyone or any property, I doubt New Yorkers would even be phased.

Why do I bring this up?  I'm still new/fresh enough that anything odd that happens still surprises me and I notice.  Even people honking their horn at me more than a thousand times and I still don't block it out.

I loved the film.  I really did love it.  That part just seemed unrealistic when it was supposed to be the only realistic thing in the movie.  I guess I'll have to work on my suspension of reality or just get used to all the crazy stuff that happens here.

Converting to Islam

I have read so many reactions to this election from people like me.  We are scared, we are worried, we are upset, and we are uncertain about our future.  For so many reasons that I won't go into (if you are a close friend, you already know them), the results of this election are going to affect me personally.

Since the beginning of this election, I've been trying to educate my new husband about our political system.  He is a refugee here from Nigeria.  Unfortunately, his only experience with the Republican Party is this election and the retoric of Trump.  This has made it tough to let him know that some of our dearest friends and family members are Republicans (some for and some against Trump). Talking about the election to him, though, has made me especially aware of what both sides are saying around gay marriage, immigration, and refugees.

As a gay man, married to a refugee from another country, I am feeling the fear first hand.  I fear for me, for my husband, and for many of our friends and family.  I'm also particularly disgusted with the religious intolerance that Trump is spewing.

I want to make sure that my friends and family know that Islam is not the enemy.  I hope that you read this with an open mind and heart.  Jesus Christ, himself, reached out to people of all faiths, races, and backgrounds when spreading his message.  The message from God, through Jesus, is to love our neighbor as ourselves.  

I encourage you to find someone who is muslim to talk to about what they really believe.  I have and we have so much in common in our faith.  Jews, Christian's, and Muslims all believe in what was taught in the old testament.  Muslims and Christians also believe much of what was taught in the New Testament.  Muslims have an additional prophet that continued to teach them beyond what we learned in church.  The messages of the Koran, though, are not of hate and intolerance.  

The extreme muslims are no different than the KKK who consider themselves "true Christians."  The extremists don't represent all muslims any more than the KKK represents all christians.  

President-elect Trump is continuing to insist that all Muslims register in the USA.  

With that said, I feel that I need to start self-identifying as muslim until all our muslim brothers and sisters are safe.  I will not stand idly by as Trump/Hitler makes all muslims register as Jews registered years ago and were exterminated.  It is not what Jesus would want, or anyone, in my mind, who follows his teachings.  

The five pillars of islam are easy to read and learn.  

The Five Pillars consist of:

• Shahadah: sincerely reciting the Muslim profession of faith.
• Salat: performing ritual prayers in the proper way five times each day.
• Zakat: paying an alms (or charity) tax to benefit the poor and the needy.
• Sawm: fasting during the month of Ramadan.
• Hajj: pilgrimage to Mecca.

The muslim's believe in Jesus, who is my rock and my redeemer.  Although the belief is slightly different than mine, it is not that far from what I believe.  I've been fortunate to meet so many intelligent, loving, caring muslims.  I could see myself worshiping with them.  We all believe in the same God. In fact, my church regularly welcomes islamic scholars to preach along with our minister and local rabbis.  I could still go there and call myself a muslim.  If this type of radical thought is what it takes to protect them, I'm there.  

When that registry starts (I pray it never happens), I hope that all people of faith will join me in declaring that we are muslim.  

Renaissance Man or Court Jester?

This isn't a list of "everything Eric is doing and needs to be congratulated for."  This is a challenge.  You see, I've always wondered if I might be more successful, make more money, and do better at things if I stuck with them longer.  I'm struggling with this dilemma because I, of course, want to succeed.  Should success, though, be my ultimate goal?  What about constantly trying new things, keeping my brain active, dipping my toes into things that I may hate or end up loving?  

I've read Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers among dozens of other books (yeah I like to read like some people like to drink).  I've studied some of the most successful people in the world.  I've met people who have made millions of dollars or seem to have found their calling.  The world seems to push most people, or maybe encourage is a better word, to focus on finding one passion.  The people who are the most successful at something have focused on that for all of their waking hours.  

I've tried that....and I HATE IT.  

I spent time when I was a fundraising consultant using all of my waking hours to do fundraising work or fundraising volunteering.  I'm good at it.  I'm proud of the work I do in it.  BUT, I felt very unfulfilled when I had to focus on that and that only.

Not one to sit still, I find that I sometimes take on a lot of different projects, arts and crafts, goals, training, adventure, etc.  This isn't something new.  In high school I was involved with everything from the FFA to the Speech and Debate Team, the Yearbook staff, the choir, band, the musical, and was the Class President. 

At Hartwick College I was a tour guide, a Resident Advisor, involved in theater, Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia (men's national music fraternity), international club, and a bunch of other clubs and organizations while trying to keep my grades up at a high level.  Even with all of that stuff going on, I sought out new adventures.  My best friend Karyn was usually right next to me.  We went skydiving our junior year.

Fast forward almost 20 years and I still seem to get bored with what I'm working on.  I have to keep it fresh and real.  This year, I've been on some obstacle course races (Spartan with my awesome friend Greg who is also a fraternity brother).  

I've recently picked up fashion photography, although I've always loved photography and learning new aspects of it.  Part of my fashion work has been helping my husband prepare for casting calls and managing his Instagram, his portfolio, ad his schedule. 

Because this hasn't been enough to occupy my brain (not that I have enough time to do more), I decided to sell pampered chef products and do shows.  This has been amazing and fun and challenging all at the same time.  

Never mind the fact that I have a full time job that requires a lot of energy and concentration.  

I'm proud of all that I have done.  I'm not giving up on anything.  The arts and crafts box, the sewing machine, the guitar, the sign language book, the graphic design class, the movie script, the half written book, the investing guide, and the dozens of other projects I have started are not going away.  I will pick each one up in its own time and work on it some more.  I may find the one that becomes my lifetime hobby. 

In the mean time, I guess I'd rather be well-rounded and have tried everything instead of being the guy amazing at just one thing that I focus my life on.  I'm going to make costumes, raise money for charities in and out of work, sing with my fraternity and church choir, and photograph more people. 

I'm also going to keep writing here.  I may be sporadic at times when other projects are higher on my "keep your brain occupied" list, but know that when I come back I'm ready to share something that I hope is at least enjoyable to read if not helpful.  

Here's to fighting stereotypes and being normal.  I'm going to be me dammit.  :)

There's no place like home

This past weekend, I visited Hartwick College.  It was homecoming weekend.  Although it wasn't my reunion year, I still went back.  In fact, I have been going back every year since I graduated.  When I arrived, I was greeted with hugs by old friends, and relatively new friends.  Some of the students came up to greet me and some were there to meet me.  I worked at Hartwick before moving to Brooklyn.

The weekend started slowly with me recruiting interns for my office.  I spent most of Friday working on some photos from a fashion show.

Friday night, I picked my husband up from the bus station in Albany so he could spend the weekend with me.

Saturday morning, the hugs began for real.  David, my husband, wasn't used to so many strangers hugging him.  Fortunately for me, very few of them were strangers, and the hugs were something I cherish and remember.

The weekend ended with a memorial service for those Hartwick friends and family who didn't make it to another reunion because they have died.  This solemn and touching end to the weekend gets to me every year.  I know that there will be at least one or two names on the list of deceased that were a part of my life.  This year, two professors of mine had passed away and one older alumnus who was a friend.

I got to thinking as I drove back to Brooklyn.  David was asleep in the car next to me and I reflected on what makes something feel like home.

There are only a few places in my life that ever felt like home.  Most places just felt like a temporary holding spot until something better came along.  

Home is a place where you feel like you belong.  In Oneonta, in spite of the small size, I feel like I belong....or belonged.  Going back there, I always run into wonderful people.  These are people who value the education we got, even if they are decades older or younger than me.

The other places I think of as home are my parent's house and my house in Rochester, New York.  Both places make me feel great when I'm there.

Brooklyn doesn't feel like home yet, but I'm getting there.


So what does one do?

I guess I should ask, what does Eric do?

I try to figure out what makes something feel like home.

1.) Smiling people whose names I know and they know mine.
2.) Friends - it's really hard to make friends here for some reason
3.) Music - I need to be making music again.  I got to sing with my fraternity brothers this weekend and it felt amazing
4.) Church - this one is actually working here
5.) A gym or workout routine I like - struggle bus on this one.  I've got frozen shoulder on top of a case of can't get out of bed.
6.) Sharing of life - This one is starting to happen more and more.

I think I might be on my way.  If you get all the way to the end of this...tell me what you think makes something feel like home instead of a temporary living spot.

Don't run from adversity

Thursday night, I had the chance to speak with a very successful, powerful, and influential leader.  She is an out lesbian.  I have had the privilege of knowing her for almost 10 years.  She has done many great things in her career.   Being gay has not been a central part of her story.

She mentioned that someone on her staff talked about my story with her.  If you follow this blog, chances are you know that I was married recently.  Just after our marriage, we were outed in the press in Nigeria.  It was a painful few weeks as we were attacked via social media, on our cell phones, and via every avenue you can imagine.  People who are hateful will find a way to get to throw vitriol at you from every angle if they can.

I bring this up because this respected mentor of mind asked me one simple question:

"Did you ever think of just unplugging from all of your social media so that they wouldn't get to you?"

I listened to her question and thought about it for a minute.  Yes, over and over again during that first week of texts, whatsap messages, Facebook posts and messages, evil emails, and disgusting comments on our blogs and other social media, I thought I wanted to crawl under a rock and just not let anyone find me ever again.  I wanted to change my email address, my phone number, delete this blog, eliminate my Facebook, twitter, instagram, and other social media accounts and start from scratch.  

As I watched the love of my life pace, cry, not eat, and come to terms with the entire thing, I wanted to do anything in my power to fix it. 

Running from adversity lets the haters win.  We cannot let them win in their hate.  We must stand up against it. 

I chose to not run.  I chose to face the bullies.  I remember facing bullies in elementary school and in high school.  Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I can't fight.  To me, it means I fight smarter and harder because I have more to lose.  

I chose to respond with love or neutrality.  I didn't let the hateful people receive hate in return.  I asked my friends and family who were also being attacked to only respond in love.  If we choose to respond to someone's hate with our own hate, we are as bad if not worse than we are.  I am going to love, love, love, love, love.

Jesus said that when someone hits you, you should turn the other cheek so they can hit that too.  That has always been very tough for me to do.  What I do try to do is to respond in a calm and loving way. It isn't easy.  I don't always succeed.  Sometimes my temper takes over and I lash out.  

When I do succeed at responding in love, I feel a happiness, a warmth, a feeling I can't describe come over me. I'm proud of myself.  I'm reminded that some people don't know why they are treating you badly.  In rare cases, the haters don't know how to react and stop hurting you.  If someone is full of evil, they will continue to try to hurt you.  That's when I choose to back off.  I don't run away.  I don't hide from them.  I retreat to a safe place and send my love and positivity out from there.  You don't have to stay close to it to get hurt.  I can mentally, spiritually, and physically move myself to a safe place to respond.  

May God grant me the love, the blessings, the peace, and the ability to always respond in love.  May hate never win. 

Love rules. 

We danced to this at our wedding.  I'm not going to let anyone take that love away.

How to mess up a gay party!

Last night, David and I went out to a party at a club.  There was a big party that a friend was throwing.  I won't go into details about that friend or the name of the party, but I felt like it was a disaster.

This party had the following going for it:
1.) Great advertising on social media
2.) A handsome and organized promoter
3.) A location that was easy to find (and close to home so we could uber over)
4.) Hot gogo boys dancing at the bar
5.) A really great DJ mixing music from all over the world including Nigerian dance music that made David really happy.
6.) A packed club full of good looking and polite people.
7.) Clearly marked exits (I get a little paranoid after the massacre at Pulse Night Club).

Here is where they failed:
1.) They had a cover that was too high for what they offered.  We paid $20 each.

2.) They only accepted cash at the door and the atm at the bar had a $100 maximum.  That means that if you were having a few drinks, you needed to go twice to that atm and pay them $3 each time.  Not cool.

3.) Bartenders that didn't know how to mix drinks.  This is a 95% gay audience.  We are not generally beer drinkers.  David and I throughout the night ordered the following with associated results:
      a.) 3 Margaritas - one of the only things that they did just ok on.  They ran out of lime juice by 2:00 a.m. for a party scheduled until 4:00 a.m. (Lime juice is a key ingredient for many very popular mixed drinks including margaritas and cosmopolitans).  A good club knows this and has plenty on hand.
      b.) Vodka peach sour - listed as one of their specialty drinks.  It tasted like chemicals and was undrinkable
      c.) Vodka Pineapple - All vodka and no pineapple also made this undrinkable
      d.) Rum and coke - They RAN OUT OF RUM by 1:30 a.m.  Seriously.  This is a gay carnival event celebrating the islands and you run out of rum?  All rums...from the well to the most expensive.  What kind of bar runs out of rum any way.  Seriously?  Even straight bars must serve quite a few rum drinks.  They didn't even tell me they were out of rum and served me a vodka coke - yuck
      e.) Scotch and ginger ale - I was very clearly stating this.  They gave me Jack and ginger.  Jack is not scotch.  They taste very different.
      f.) Sex on the Beach - only other drink they didn't mess up that night.

4.) Four staff spent quite a bit of time trying to get the cash register opened.  They finally had to leave it open all night.

5.) Not enough bartenders and a really bad bar tender structure - The lines were long and the bartenders kept running into each other and spilling drinks. I think they only had three and then grabbed some friends to  help causing a problem.

6.) Not making sure their equipment was ready for a crowd - The soda "gun" at one end of the bar kept losing the nozzle and spraying everyone around it.  We saw this happen at least three times.

7.) Serving food - They continued to serve food in a super crowded bar at midnight.  The poor staff trying to navigate hundreds of dancing people with plates of food?  Poor decision.  The bar was not set up to both serve food and to host a dance party at the same time.

David and I still enjoyed drinking and dancing at the event.  I just wish they would have had their act together.  The promoter/organizer said he told them what to expect, but they didn't listen to him and believe him.  The bar itself trusted their own experience with parties instead.  The promoter said we should give them another shot.  I'm not sure it's worth it for me.

Giving Birth - moving somewhere new

It takes about 9 months for the sadness, despair, loneliness, frustration, and confusion to settle into your soul.  That's been my experience at least, when I've had to move to a new city.  In the past five years, I've lived in six different cities.

A post on Facebook last night reminded me just how tough it is to move to a new place.  A young friend of mine is going through it all in Vegas at the 9 month mark.  For me, each time I moved to a new city, that nine month period was when I was super depressed.  Sleeping way too much, not wanting to leave my bed, having no appetite, crying a lot, feeling lethargic and useless and contemplating suicide.  It's no joke, this feeling.

The first move that many of us make out of our home is to go to College.  This one, although not easy, pales in comparison to other moves in life.  Here, though, for me was the key to succeeding at a move to a new place.  What happens when you go to college?  For me at Hartwick College, it all started with an orientation program.

At Hartwick, you are automatically thrown into a social situation with hundreds of other people your age also new at the entire thing.  You are all going to go through a convocation and pick classes, and move into a massive living space with a large group of other people.  You are surrounded by clubs and organizations that want you to join them.  There is a place that serves meals filled with people like you who also are eating at the same time.  You have groups of people taking the same classes that you are and a social life is there for the taking if you are a social person.  This is a happy time and place for an extrovert like me.  It isn't easy for everyone, but was so much easier than the move after college for me.  

Then comes your first move.  If you are like me, your first move is to a small town in the middle of no-where and you live in your first real apartment alone.  You no longer have a dining hall to eat your meals or easy clubs and groups to join.  Work is a bunch of people of all ages with all different interests.  You have to learn again how to do this, but WITHOUT THE STRUCTURE COLLEGE PROVIDES.  It's scary.  Some people move back home and go back to their high school friends.  Some people never left their home town.  

That's not me.  I took a job in Kent, Connecticut.  I was only there a year, but found it tough for me socially.  I was lucky, too, though, that a sister of one of my fraternity brothers was also new at the school where I was working.  She became my sanity and my happiness, the little that I could find.  

That first year, I also learned a few things that brought me some modicum of a social life.  

1.) I joined a choir.  I love to sing and even though at 21, I was the only one of the 50 men that was under the age of 65 other than the conductor, at least it gave me something fun to do outside work.

2.) I frequented the local pub and learned (not very well) to play pool and darts.  This may have lead to me drinking more than I should have that first year and gaining weight, but was a lesson learned. 

After a year in this small town, I took a job in Rochester, New York.  

In Rochester, I feel like I finally found a city that I could call home.  

So if you are moving somewhere new, whether it be your first move after college, your first move away from home at all, or your 4th move as a consultant or military family, please think about the following advice. 

1.) Embrace and be one with that feeling
It is perfectly normal to be depressed and feel like life sucks, you miss your friends, you miss your family, you can't find a freakin doctor, you hate the haircut you just got, and you just want to crawl under your blankets and never come out again.  In order for this to not have long lasting damage on you emotionally and psychologically, I feel like it is essential for you to accept the feeling.

"I feel like shit.  I am not happy here right now. I miss the people from my old place.  I can't seem to make this work right now.  I am not feeling like this is a good fit for me."

Say it, embrace it, and be one with it.  THEN MAKE A PLAN TO FIX THE DANG PROBLEM!!

2.) Make a list of the things you love about your old home.

For me the list included singing with a choir or a cappella group, church, and theater.  Later in life I discovered that I also loved running and the gym.  

3.) Find the closest thing to that in your new town and find out how to be a part of it.  

In Kent, I joined the SPEBSQSA (barbershop choir) and the local Episcopal church choir.  In Rochester, my first move was to join the Rochester Gay Men's Chorus.  They were my first friends and I still support them.  A few years later, I found a church that I love called Lake Avenue Baptist Church, the now defunct gym called The Downtown Fitness Club, and the super awesome running community through Fleet Feet Rochester.  Each time I joined a group, I grew my social network and my professional network.  I was in Rochester for 12 years and still feel like a part of many of the groups in that community.  In fact, that's why I chose to get married there among other reasons.  

These moves led me to also join running clubs, gyms, churches, and choirs in NYC, Chicago, DC, Oneonta, and now in Brooklyn.  I'm not saying that these things will work for you, but find a group or club that you might like and check it out.  One great resource in most cities is meet-up groups.

4.) Visit home and stay in contact with those old friends and familySkype, Facetime, google chat and each of the video chat platforms saved me when they were developed.  I could see and hear my friends and family when I was down.  We encouraged each other when they were in new places too. 

5.) Find a restaurant or bar or coffee shop to be a regularIn Rochester, I was a regular at a local coffee shop.  I did the same thing in DC, Chicago, and Oneonta, but have yet to do it here in Brooklyn.  Being a regular means that you meet other regulars who also may be lonely.  I didn't make friends with many people, but it was nice to get out of my apartment and be in the same space as others.  I would bring a book, play on Facebook on my laptop, write post cards to family and friends, or go to the game nights and play games.  

6.) Cook
Learn to cook or learn where to buy great take out.  Meet people for a take out party or invite them to your place.  Sharing food with new friends can be an amazing experience.  Breaking bread with someone really is a sign of hospitality that is rarely forgotten.  For me, learning to cook was full of disasters and hilarious mistakes.  I still make them on occasion, but now know to order pizza or make pbj sandwiches when I fail big time instead of crying over it.  Not everyone loves cooking, but most people love eating. 

7.) Find a gym or a trainer
Trust me that being in good shape helps you with your state of mind.  When I could afford it, I hired a personal trainer.  I had one in Chicago and one in Oneonta and they are still two of my closest friends. When money was tighter, I found the cheapest gym I could and joined.  I tried to go at the same time every day or at least three days a week.  I met other people there like me (especially doing classes like kick boxing and zumba) that became my friends.  

8.) Try Something new
You may hate it.  I hated running and the gym for years.  I don't drink coffee and thought coffee shops were a waste of money.  Now I love gyms, running, and coffee shops (tea and hot chocolate for me).  You might not like what you tried, but you may love it. 

That's my extroverts guide to moving to a new city.  I found that if I did these things as soon as I moved in that the 9 month mark was no longer as tough.  I still cried and felt depressed at 9 months, but these things gave me hope each time that things were going to get better.